5.26am
State of mind: terrorised, disheartened, scared
In the wee hours of morning i find myself sitting here in my room with a pen and paper.
I was asleep a while back, but a dream broke my fall. In my dream I wake-up to find the whole place infiltrated by terrorists. Men in baggy pathani suits walking around with turbans on their heads and guns in their hands.
A fear has gripped my heart and all I can think of is ways to save myself from their hawk-eyes. I see myself in a room with a casserole of food in my hand which I do not want to share with anyone. Because one day food supplies in the house will be over and the terrorists won't let us out to get more. I would use the food then.
I'm afraid they'd rape me. They'd do it over and over again. I contemplate a scuicide. I see myself slitting my nerve with a razor and setting myself free.
But then my heart tells me to live. That the pain I undergo when alive will be far too less than what I'd feel when dead and still wandering with an ailing soul.
I think of my friends and mother. I hear gun shots and sound of cracking galss.
I wake up.
But the dream is still on.
I look at the darkness around me. Make attempts to rationalise and find a cause which led to this dream. My heart cannot get over the terror. My mind is in a daze and strangely remote words like 'nuclear proliferation', 'militia men', 'frustrated politicos' and 'corruption at grass root level' buzz in my head.
I turn on the light and look at God's picture. Suddenly, the lines of that song I was struggling to remember earlier come back to me...
"Tu pyaar ka saagar hai...
Teri ek boond ke pyaase hum..."
You are the sea of love, we are thirsty for one drop of you...
I guess I had that dream because of reading that newspaper report on 'scuicide bombings in Pakistan'. I feel so relieved having found the cause to that dream. This means it was not a crazy premonition about something similar coming up.
After all, a lot of us dream about events of the day. About small tid-bits of events that get registered in our 'sub-concious'. Boy, am I relieved!!!
Well, only partially relieved. The fear hasn't gone yet and the sound of ticking clock in the silence isn't helping. What if it does come true? What if they do come, the terrorists?
Corruption at the grass root level and support from our frustrated politicos CAN make this possible.
What date is it today?
16/11
Past 9/11, towards 26/11. And I'd had this dream in the morning after 4.00am. I don't even want to mention the myth/fact attached with morning dreams. I can't shake off the image of smoke & rubble from my head.
They say that a dream's duration is really really small. Hardly 2-3 seconds or so. If a few second long dream can shake someone up so bad, wonder what it must be like for those living this reality everyday.
It is not a new thought, but extremely disturbing nonetheless.
Can anything...ANYTHING be done to stop this?
I don't know.
People who know more may scoff at the naivete of the question.
And sadly, they don't have an answer either.
Reminds me of a dialogue from Slumdog Millionare by Jamal -
"if it wasn't for Ram and Allah, I'd still have a mother."
So, I make a mental note to avoid reading such reports in the paper in future. Check the time. Put the lid back on the pen. Fold the paper and go back to sleep.
ila
